Apostrophe Jones

I am a lineman for the county , and I drive the main road .

The Midwest

Kansas    This is the most beautiful state in the nation.  The mountains, the scenic seashore and the exciting nightlife in Wichita (The City That Never Sleeps).  Kansas has it all.  Kansatians are a happy people, living on a diet of their native dishes:  tacos,burritos and chimichangas.  Some famous people from the state are Tom Dooley , John Henry and a mule named Sal .                                          

Indiana    If you really visit this state on purpose, be sure and pack tick medicine (and that ‘s for the cities).  There is nothing to see here at all.  Move along.  They have the Indianapolis 500, which I think may be a flea market.  Indianayanas are a happy people, living on a diet of soybeans, couscous and ketchup packets.  Indiana is known as the Aloha State, which figures, since you’ll want to Aloha out of here.  Some well known natives are Poke Salad Annie , Toenail Charlie  and Boxcar Willie .                                                                                                                      

Iowa    The people of this state are light eaters.  As soon as it gets light, they start to eat.  I’m not saying Iowaranians are fat, but their Baptisms have to be performed at Sea World.  Their favorite snack is Wheat Thicks.  Iowa is known as The Pudding State.  They are a jolly and happy people, living on a diet of broiled fish, spinach and lettuce.  Yeah…right.  Some famous folks from here are Dom DeLuise, Paul Prudhomme and Paula Deen .                                                                              

Nebraska    Also known as The Tar Heel state.  No one has figured that out yet.  This crime ridden hellhole has resisted all efforts to clean up the place.  The governor put in a call to Batman, but has not heard back from him yet.  These criminals are a happy people, living on a diet of Cheerios, corn dodgers and Screaming Yellow Zonkers. The state song is “Guantanamera”.  Famous people from here are Steve and Butterfly McQueen, Jose Feliciano and Wink Martindale.  

Michigan    Also known as The Third Largest Ball of Yarn State.  Located in Detroit, Michiginks are clearly proud of this huge tourist attraction.  The state got its name in colonial times from a guy named Mitch.  They are a dumb, but happy people, living on a diet of taffy, candy corn and vegemite.  Some famous people from the state are Walter Sobchak , Miles Archer and  Marcellus Wallace .                                                  

Ohio    Also known as the State With 75% Vowels in its Name.  The new Amish Casino in Dayton has proven to be a big attraction.  The Ohaeiou are a happy people, living on a diet of buckeye nuts, mush and fried mush.  Well known people from here are Dick Sargent, Dick York and Sargeant York .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

Minnesota    The Pineapple State.  These friendly people mask the country’s biggest breeding ground for con men and bunco artists.  Don’t believe anything they say and if you shake hands with a Minnesot, count your fingers.  Twice.  They are a cunning but happy people, living on a diet of slimy okra, slippery eel and sneaky brownies.  Famous rascals from here include the Video Professor, the ShamWow guy and the legendary Ron Popeil.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Wisconsin    The Cornhusker State.  Named for a favorite activity of Wiscousins, the husking bee.  Oddly, none of the residents will eat corn, as they believe its bad juju and will give you a case of the willies.  Do not attempt to take a picture of these people, as they may crown you.  They are a happy people.  I have not gotten a readout on what they eat, yet.  Some of the famous people from here include Jack Benny . . . and what more do you need ?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

Missouri    The Show Me the Way Out of Here State.  This is the traditional starting place if you are planning to drive a herd of cattle West or join a wagon train to somewhere nicer, like the desert.  Missourarians are a happy people, living on a diet toasted ravioli, Lorna Doones and Vernors Soda Pop.  Some famous folks from here are Seth Adams, Rowdy Yates and Frankie Laine .                                                                               

Illinois    All right you mugs.  Edward G. here.  I told those AJ bums I play the sap for nobody.  I’m talking about my home state and the city that my gang, er, associates operate our racket in, see.  Look here, you come to my town–you buy my private label hooch and drink it in one of my joints.  You got it?  You better.  I’m playing nice, see . . . for now.  So, come visit and have fun.  Nyah.




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