Apostrophe Jones

I am a lineman for the county , and I drive the main road .

The West


 Arizona        The heat.Unbearable . The Arizonite feels the hot wind coming through the window each night . He feels the sharp blade of the knife as he studies his wife’s throat . Arizonites are a happy people , living on a diet of cactus , coyotes and Popsicles . Some of the famous people from the state are Pierre Trudeau , Kenny Banya and Habib Marwan .                                                                     


Oregon   Also known as The Bluegrass State . It is located up near the left upper corner if the country , way too close to Canada . I mention the location as I know most U.S. Americans  don’t have maps .  Oregonzos are a happy people , living on a diet of roots , berries and Spotted Owl sandwiches . Well known people from the state are Freddy Cannon , Peter Gunn  and  The Rifleman .  

South Dakota    Also known as the How Much Further Till I’m Out of Here ?State.One of the top attractions here is a drugstore , Wall Drugs . They have free water . Must be real good water. South Dakotics are a happy people,living on a diet of water , CrackerJacks that have melted  and stuck together and Boston Baked Beans (candy)  from Wall Drug . Some famous people from this state are Napoleon Bonaparte , Crazy Horse and Crazy Horse’s nephew , stand-up comic Lenny Horse (Take my squaw,please) .                                                  

New Mexico    It certainly is.Be sure and visit Albuquerque to see the skyscrapers made of adobe .Also stop in and see the Grand Canyon before they fill it in . New Mexicanaries are a happy people , living on a diet of road runners , pineapple Kool-Aid and scones . Famous folks from here are Yosemite Sam,Samantha Stevens and Sammy Spear and his Orchestra .                                                                                                              

Idaho      Also known as The Wacko State ,  this is where the people too crazy to get into California go to work on their manifestos . Idahobos are a happy people , living on a diet of K-rations , Ken-L-Ration and lime Jello . These strange folk are easily spooked , so do not try to feed them , as they may snap at you . Some famous people from here are Gary Busey , Mickey Rourke and Charles Manson .                               

Hawaii   This is The Kind of Safest State . Beginning in 1968 , all crime was eliminated by Steve McGarrett and 5-0 . “Book’em , Danno” is the state motto . McGarrett was assisted later by Magnum P.I. and Rick and T.C. and various guest stars . Not much in the way of scenery here , most hotel rooms have color TV where you can watch My Little Margie and The Real McCoys till it is  finally time to leave . The Hawanni are a happy people , living on a diet of Spam loaf , Spam sandwiches and Spam and eggs .      

Alaska     I’m not saying it is cold here , but local people don’t clean their houses , they defrost them . Cold ? Hitchikers hold up pictures of their thumbs . It is so cold politicians have their hands in their own pockets . Alaskittens are a happy people , living on a diet of hot cocoa , warm cocoa and room temperature cocoa .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Colorado      The Burned Out Hippie State . Leave all your negative energy at the state line , man . This is the place for aura cleansing and feng shui tune-ups . Coloradishes are a tuned out but happy people , living on a diet of green tea , oranges and greasy chiliburgers . Famous from here are Wavy Gravy , Timothy Leary and Florence Henderson.                                                                                                                                                             

Utah       The Lone Star State . Called that,of course , for the only star in the state , the legendary Donnie Osmond . These larged-toothed Utes are a happy people , living on a diet of Dentyne gum , Pepsodent and cranberry juice . Other less famous from here are Jimmy Osmond , Marie Osmond and Jermaine Osmond .                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Wyoming   Why  not ? Why a duck ? Also known as  The Land of Lincoln , for the fancy cars they drive here . The capital city , Cheyenne , was named after the Western hero , Cheyenne Bodie , who along with Bronco Lane and Sugarfoot chased those Indians off our land .The Wyomi are a happy people , living on a diet of sugar and ackee and cocoa bean .                                                                                                                                  

Oklahoma      The Pelican State . This state was named by a local politician who sauced it up real good . Oklahomeboys are a happy people , living on a diet of this , this and that .                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Washington        Named after Denzel Washington  . Home of the country’s only active volcano , Krakatoa . Also home to the world’s largest troupe of mimes . The residents make sacrifices to Krakatoa each month , hoping for an eruption to solve this problem . Some of the Washers are happy people ,  living on a diet of fig newtons , apple newtons and chili newtons.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Montana      The name means “Meatball Casserole”. Named by the Italian immigrants who founded the state .  They tried to turn it into a new Italian fishing village to remind  them of their home country . They were attacked repeatedly by Sioux,since this was their land ,  leading to the ten year Italo-Sioux war . Actually, I made all that up . I didn’t have the extensive research on this state as I did all the rest .  Just skip this state .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Texas      This is state where a man can come to a reckoning,maybe do a little moseying and some fence ridin’ . A man is a man , and a woman is a dance hall girl or a school marm . Come on down , if you’ve a mind to .                                                                                                                                        

North Dakota      Forget it . You can’t get there from here .                                                                                                                                                                                        

Nevada      There is only one reason to visit this state-Wayne Newton . This is also the main reason to stay away . Nevadumplings are a large and happy people , living on a “diet”of all-you can eat buffets for breakfast , lunch and dinner . Some famous people from here are Don Laughlin , Janet Reno and Virginia City .                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

California      Not familiar with this one .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                ©

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