Apostrophe Jones

I am a lineman for the county , and I drive the main road .

The North

Vermont     Vermont is known as The Gangland Dumping Ground state. The Eskimos who live here are paid to look the other way when the Cosa Nostra needs to dispose of a problem.The Vermin are a happy people , living on a diet of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream , squirrel jerky and whiskey. At each meal.  Some of the famous folks from this state are Zasu Pitts, Tupac Shakur and Darryl .            

Maine    This is a great place to visit, if you want to trap a muskrat. People from Vermont make Maine jokes,which should tell you something.  Maniacs are a happy people, living on a diet of what they can steal  from a flatlanders car, maple syrup and  muskrat stew. Famous people from this state include Sam the Sham and two of the Pharoahs .                                              

New Jersey     I’ll never forget my time living  here. I got a job working construction for the Johnstown Company, but later there wasn’t no work, on account of the economy. I  moved to a place near the beach. It was quiet there. My dog Snooki would run at the water’s edge, her paws twistin’ and churnin’ up the sand . When I had to move to the city, I did so warily, as out on the street your chances are zero. New Jersey is known as The Guarding State, since you had better be on guard at all times.  New Jersingers are a tough,but happy people, living on a diet of hot dogs, sauerkraut and that kind of crap. You got a problem with that ?  I’m not saying I know anything,but don’t eat at Satriale’s Pork Store in Kearny. Trust me on this. The chief exports are racks of suits ,  hi-fi equipment and whatever else falls off the back of a truck. Some of the infamous from this state are Tony (The Big Meanie) Lasagna,Vinnie (The Accountant) Fazool and Sal(The Jehovah’s Witness) Martino.                                                                                                                     

Rhode Island    This is America’s smallest state.Rhode Islamics are a happy people,living on a diet of strawberry shortcake,mini doughnuts and naturally,shrimp.The only magazine allowed is Reader’s Digest.Randy Newman music is banned from the state.The only animals in the Providence Zoo are hamsters,chickens and guinea pigs.Famous people from the state are Billy Barty,Gary Coleman and Herve’ Villechaize.The state song is “Its a Small World”.

New Hampshire     Also called The Bay State ,for the residents habit of baying at the moon .New Hamsters are a happy people,living on a diet of gas station vending machine crackers , Payday bars and bottles of Yoo-Hoo .There are no cities , towns or hamlets in this state,just the gas station out on the highway . Some famous people from this state are Bud Collyer,Larry(Bud) Melman and Buddy Sorel.                        

Delaware     If you are planning a trip here,don’t.Just try to stay awake as you pass through.Or,if someone else is driving,just hunker down and drink rye whiskey from a flask in the back seat.You’ll be out soon.In case you want to know,the Delawarehousers are an odd,but happy people,living on a diet of baked potatoes,french fries and hash browns.No one famous will admit they come from here .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Connecticut      Also known as The Thyme State , so its time to move up to the twentieth century .The witch trials , the” scarlet  A” brandings and  Rotary club meetings must stop .Connecticuticles are an archaic but happy people ,living on a diet of grinders ,submarine sandwiches and po’boys .Famous folks from here include Neptune ,Davy Jones  and Mike Nesmith .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Pennsylvania      The Gopher State . Named for the proliferation of personal assistants in this state .They have a mushy way of talking here that will grate on your nerves . Pennsylnecks are a happy people ,living on a diet of peas ,rice and coconut oil . Some famous people from this state are Adrian Balboa , Snoop Dogg ‘ s cousin Clark and no one else. 

Maryland      The Last Frontier. Not to be confused with space ,the final frontier .This is a state known for its crabs ,which is a group of old codgers who hang around the town squares and complain .The other Marylanyards are a happy people ,living on a diet of waffles,french toast and french toast sticks.                                            

Massachusetts      The strange dialects here will make it hard for you to communicate with the people of this state .Carry a pad of paper and pencil and ask them to write down what they are trying to tell you .Good luck .                                                                                                                        

New York      Not really much going on here . If you do go , you could see a play.Try to go see George M.Cohan (the Toast of Broadway) or George Jessel (the English Muffin of Broadway) . Do not venture off the lighted main streets . If you do,you will probably be mugged, stabbed and your body never found . Have a fun trip!                                                                                                                                                                         ©

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