Apostrophe Jones

I am a lineman for the county , and I drive the main road .

The South

Alabama       Alabama was founded next to Georgia. The name came from the indigenous tribe the Choctaw Indians.Alabama is known as the Badger State because these pesky folks will bug you,especially if you are a shoe-wearin’ city slicker.The football tackling dummy was invented in 1869 by Amos Alonzo Stagg at Yale University,located in Boaz,Al.Yale got its name because the students were loud talkers.Its quite a sight when the residents of the settlement of Birmingham walk down to the Mississippi River with their weekly wash,which they leave on the riverbank to dry. Alabamites are a happy people ,living on a diet of boiled peanuts,Moonpies and R.C. Cola.The chief exports are grits,old tires and really good ‘shine.They import vast quantities of comic books(for the University of Alabama),biscuits with gravy and ammo. Some famous Alabamites are Mark and Shania Twain and Flavor Flav.These hardy settlers continue the Git-R-Done spirit each day of their lives.When the Internet comes to Alabama one day,they will be able to read and learn about their state from material like this here.Roll  Tide.             

Mississippi    Known for its uptown charm and style.This state is a magnet for the jet set and many high society types who own homes here.The Kentucky Derby is a major attraction here each spring,as well as the World Series and major golf tournaments.Some famous Mississippirates include Chatsworth Osborne,Jr.,Thurston Howell IV and John Beresford Tipton,Jr.These are a happy people,living on a diet of crudites,hors d’oeuvres and canapes.If you plan to visit Mississippi,bring your tuxedo.                                                                     

Tennessee    Born on a mountaintop in Tennessee .Greenest state in the Land of the Free .Raised in the woods so’s he knew every tree .Kilt him a b’ar when he was only three .Davy…Davy Crockett,King of the Wild Frontier .                                                                  

Arkansas    Stop into any local restaurant in the state and say “I’m hungry…powerful hungry”. Then tell the maitre’d what you crave .The vittles they whomp up for you will make you sit up and say “Howdy”. If you’re lucky,there’ll be a banjo duel on the  porch . Enjoy it , but be sure to be gone before dark.These happy hillfolk live on a diet of cornpone,gizzardpone and other pones .Famous people from round here are Jethro Clampett , Donald Trump and Vlad the Impaler.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Louisiana     Also known as The Peach State ,for the flavor of brandy these swamp people drink .Weezys,as they are called,are a happy people , living on a diet of crawdads , tadpoles and other stuff from the crick .The state got its name from historical figure Louise Jefferson .Famous folks from this state include Tuesday Weld , Joe Friday and Alexander Mundy.                                    

West Virginia      The residents of this state are a proud  people,but no one can understand why.Do you know what it feels like to be looked down on by hillbillies from the nearby states? You do know? So you say.I have my doubts missy.In any case,West Virgies are a happy people,living on a diet of crepes,caviar and moonshine.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               

Kentucky     The Beehive State,named for the current hairstyles of its female residents.If it referred to the menfolk,it would be known as The Mullet State.All are welcome,unless they be revenooers.Kentuckese are a happy people,living on a diet of cornmeal,flour and other staples from the general store.They don’t know about cooking,so they just eat the ingredients.Famous folk from these parts include Lucas Doolin,his woman Carlene and their dog , Old Blue .                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Florida      Es El Estado Del Sol.No es un pequeno estado,pero es un largo estado,con muchos perros y gatos y mantequilla y rojo manzanos.Muchas bibliotecas y zapaterias en este estado.No cerveza,no trabajo.Mi tio es verde con el chile con carne.Es mucho agua in el estado,y sombreros ,camisos,mesas,ropas,flan y el lapiz.Floridistas es un happy senores y senoritas,living en un dieto de huevos rancheros,arroz con pollo y espanol arroz.Famoso senores y senoritas es Gloria Estefan,Lee Trevino y Jose Jimenez.                    

North Carolina      The Sooner State.Called that because sooner rather than later you will be stopped by the police in Mayberry,N.C.This infamous speed trap,a criminal enterprise, continued for years under the iron fist of a Sheriff Taylor,and later his son with the unlikely name of Opie.The brains of this operation was Aint Bea Taylor aka Big Sadie Lafontaine.In the well known battle The Gunfight at Wally’s Service Station,the gang was finally taken down.The rest  of the North Carolooters are a happy people,living on a diet of mangoes,bananas and tangerines .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

South Carolina       The Land of Opportunity.Yes,opportunity if you are a member of the Travelers,the gypsy tribe that runs the state.These con artists travel the land,resurfacing the driveways of the unsuspecting citizens of the law-abiding states nearby,in order to buy more gold earrings and bandanas.Famous Travelers include Telly Savalas,Anthony Quinn and Dick Clark.                                      

Virginia      The Green Mountain State.Named after the color of one of the editor’s favorite crayons.Home of Sir Walter Raleigh,who advocated being polite and opening car doors for chicks,or something.Virgils are a happy people,living on a diet of smoked ham,canned ham and corn dogs .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

Georgia    The Perch State.Called that because the residents spend a lot of time settin’on the”perch”amid the yard dogs and old washing machines.Clueless and shoeless,the friendly hillbillies of this state wander aimlessly through their tribal areas,always willing to share a sip from their jug or a handful of mashed ‘taters with a stranger.And thats in the “city”,Atlanta.They will dress up in their Sunday overalls for an occasional Tractor Pull or a performance of the Atlanta Symphony Jug Band.If you go to a “restaurant ” here,or “put on the feedbag”,as they put it,let us give you some tips.The maitre’d will ring the triangle when its time to “commence eatin”.Don’t order the”Bottomless Bowl of Grits”.It is wallpaper paste they use to play a joke on city slickers. Any gathering of Georheads will usually end in a fight,but don’t fret ,someone will fetch the po-lice.Among the favorite dishes of these pointy hatted crackers are possum pot pie,upside down owl cake and a bottle of Yoohoo with”one of them straws”.Some famous ‘necks from here are Festus Haggin,Cooter Davenport and Richard Burton.                                                                                                                                                                                                             ©

One Response to “The South”

  1. Zeke says:

    You make me puke and also throw up.

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