Apostrophe Jones

I am a lineman for the county , and I drive the main road .

Ask Dr. Jones

Dear Doctor Jones ,  Do you have any general health tips for us around here ?     Cletus from Alabama                                                                                  

Three things  : 1)  Wash up every spring if the crick ain’t too cold.  2)Wear your shoes when going into town , as there may be broken glass and sharp gravel .  3)Brush your tooth every week .  

 Dear Dr. Jones , I have been a long time advocate of exercise. I have a Total  Gym , an Ab Circle Pro , a Nautilus machine ,a Bowflex , a treadmill , free weights , a Thighmaster ,   a stationary bike and a medicine ball . I use each item every day religiously . I also do sit-ups ,push-ups , ab crunches , jumping  jacks , pull-ups and I run seven miles each day . What  do I do to get rid of a sense of tiredness ? Galoot from California

Don’t do that. 

Dear Doc Jones ,   All right , you mug . In pulling a recent bank job , one of my boys seems to have come down with a case of  lead poisoning . So , we need a sawbones ,  pronto . What is your address ? I’ll have Blackie and Slade come by and pick you up . Also , we could use a fingerprint removal man . Nyah .                        Edward G. from New York , see ? 

Dr. Jones has left the building .                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

G’day , Doc , My boomerang won’t come back . Any advice ,mate ?                                               Kangaroo Jack from Melbourne                                 

Clean and wax before use to cut down on wind resistance . Aim high and flick it smartly with a Tasmanian twisting wrist motion . Prepare to catch that ‘rang as it returns to you .                                                                                         

Dear Dr. Jones ,   Please settle a bet for us .My friend Pete says that” Day-O “is the best Calypso song . Bob says it has to be “Man Smart , Woman Smarter”  .   I say Big Bamboo”. Who’s the winner ?   Larry from Ohio

You are all losers . And I mean that sincerely . Are you guys  by any chance the Raisin Bran Crunch nerds ? Who listens to that stuff ?How do you guys feel about the Free Credit Report .com band ? Groovy , huh ? To answer your question , the best Calypso song is “Zombie Jamboree “.

Dear Mr. Jones , I’m trying to give my ’57 Dodge pickup a tune-up and I can’t remember where to set the gap on the spark plugs (I’m using Champion 520 s).Can you help ?                                                                       Jim from Iowa

Well , I usually don’t like to work on Dodges , I would …Wait ,just a minute . Dammit , Jim . I’m a doctor , not a mechanic.

Dear Dr. Jones , I am a professional racecar driver . When my team was forced to switch numbers from #8 to #88 we stopped winning.My crew chief Buzzy and I have a theory on this . The extra 8 is weighting down the old #88 car, keeping us back in the pack . What do we do ?  Dale , Jr. from North Carolina

Well , Dale , you could leave your good luck anvil that your Grandaddy gave you in the pit , and also leave your 24 pack of Bud with the crew .I know a man gets thirsty in 500 miles , but that will lighten you up . In addition , you may want to look for a shortcut across the infield to make up some ground .

Dear Dr. Jones , What are you , like a doctor ? If you are , I could use some advice…I like puppies …What can you do for suspender burn ? I don’t usually send these computer telegrams…the Pony Express was fast , but expensive…I remember sending a letter from Miami to Dodge City…it got there in 3 weeks , but it cost $4.50 …garlic is good on anything…So ,let me know , Doc.                                                                       Larry K. from New York

Know what ? Oh yes , you could wear a belt , but you already know that . Go to your medicine cabinet and get some Mercurochrome . It won’t hurt a bit .

Apostrophe , old chum , I could use your input on a beastly little smashed scone of a matter. The Opposition Party is trying to change the colours on the number plates of our British national lorries . This would  make a dog ‘s dinner of my barmy cousin Nigel’s set-up ,whose firm has already printed the plates in advance and would have to hurl them in the dustbin .What a jam-up and Bob’s your uncle. What do you think ? A bit dodgy ,eh ? By the way , I just rode up in the lift with your old friend , Home Secretary Reginald Smyth-Bradford .                                                                Gordon Brown , P.M. , London

Gordie , I just had your note translated and I get it . Isn’t that just like the Tories ? Take them out for a Watney’s , and give them the old what-for. This will get Nige’s  ox out of the ditch and should take the biscuit . Cheerio to you and Reggie .                   

Dear Dr.Jones , What’s the first thing you know ?                                                                               Jed Clampett , Beverly Hills

The first thing you know old Jed’s a millionaire ,kinfolk said “Jed , move away from there”Said Californy is the place you ought to be , so they loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly , Hills , that is…brought to you by Kellogg’s of Battle Creek.             H/t to Buddy Ebsen .

Dear Professor Jones , Is there a musical group with a better sound than Herman ‘s Hermits ?   Mrs. Brown , Kankakee

Yes . Every other band , including a group of yapping chihuahuas .

Dear Dr. Apostrophe Jones ,

Where did you get your unusual name ?      Mr. Mxyzptlk     Area 51 , NV.                                                                                                                                                

What do you mean ? Everyone in my family has the name Jones , and there are many more Joneses in the phone book .  

Dr. Jones , Just how old is Charo ?                                                                                                                             X. Cugat , Santa Barbara

No one knows for sure , X , but there is a rumor that she was Joan Rivers ‘ third grade teacher . 

Dear Dr. Jones , I have a Dollar store and business was slow , so I started giving out $5.00 no limit , no minimum purchase coupons . Business is booming ,but I may be losing money . What do I do ?                                                         Maxie Price , Kentucky

Don’t worry .  You’ll make it up in volume .   

Dear Dr. Jones , My girlfriend won’t return my calls and I think she may have moved out of the state . Should I still get her a Valentine’s card ?                                                                                                                                                                                                     Major Sapp , Indiana                                 

Wake up and smell the coffee .                          

What up ? Still perpetratin’ ? Jive advice rappin’ ? Representin’ ? Answer up , old chum .                                                                                                                     L.L. Ice Flow Square Cube Tea , Newark  

Dammit , Gordon Brown , quit fooling around and find something to do .  

Mr. Jones , Allow me to introduce myself . I am a legitimate businessman in your city . It has come to my attention through my associate , Edward , also legit , that you have a nice little business here . Now , this being the dangerous world that it is , it would grieve me to no end  to see some sort of accident befall you or one of your staff in your parking lot , perhaps . Or maybe a crate of internet stuff could fall on your head in your warehouse . Or you might meet with a shiv numerous times by mistake .There are many more grave possibilities to ponder . To help prevent these , let us take a meeting in person .I strongly suggest the alley outside your building at midnight .                                                                      Slats McGee ,nearby

Sounds great , Mcgee , if by alley at midnight ,you mean the FBI office next door at 10:00 am. 

Dr. Jones , Who was your favorite member of the Rat Pack and why ?                                       Larry Bishop , California

Son of a gun…Larry, it was Peter Lawford .Do you think it could be easy to walk out in front of a crowd , knowing that you have no talent whatsoever ?

Dr. Jones , Where ‘s Loganville ?                                                                                                                              Lamar from Winder

There is a 5th dimension . A dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity . The middle ground between light and shadow . A dimension of imagination known as Loganville .






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