Apostrophe Jones

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The Swami

Early January 1963 . Greetings . The Swami has returned to his home base in the Northeast after a busy summer working in Las Vegas and L.A. with the extremely ” talented ” Lumpy Brannum as his sidekick .  And the Swami has asked his little woman Cindy Swami to kick him hard in the side if he ever does that again . As all in the know know , the Swami is in the prediction business and he has a few to start the new year . The Swami ‘ s good friend and nemesis , the phony charlatan Jeanne Dixon also has a few to start the new year . And hopefully this year she will start using a glass .  Anyway , in the music world this year , late in 1963 some new groups of talented musicians from England will burst on the  scene . Most will be arrested for trespassing and returned . But , the Swami knows a few  will make it very big . The number one band starting in December and lasting for many years will be Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas . There is one young star about to appear who will outshine all others with his incredible talent . His name is Richard Starkey and he will eventually pass Elvis and Bing Crosby in record sales and popularity and also become a great movie star . So , now go take on the day . The Swami out . ©

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The Swami

Late September , 1962 . The Swami is still on his way home from a busy summer out West . The Swami noticed a thump , thump . thump coming from the back right tire on the Swamimobile . It was a blowout . The Swami did not see that coming . The Swami ‘s 1961 Corvair has been excellent transportation for him and a major chick – magnet , although Mrs . Cindy Swami is not that thrilled with that aspect of The Swami ‘ s whip . Anyway , The Swami pulled over to the nearby Esso station to replace the tire . It turn out that ‘Vair sized recaps are now $3.00 each !  The Swami is enraged , upstaged  and can’t even be paged . The Swami predicts that one day , cars will have communication devices where a person in one car can call a good buddy in another car . This way motorists can warn each other when Johnny Law is lurking , you know : the Fuzz , the Man , the Kodiaks with a Kodak . The insipid Jeanne Dixon could never make a prophecy about  avoiding the police in the future . Her only contact with the police is when they  make her quit working her corner or pick her up for starting a rumble at her local dive . ©

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The Swami

Still September , 1962 . The Swami is on his trip home from spending the summer working in Las Vegas and Hollywood . The Swami just appeared in Cincinnati , at a gig his agent Sid got for him at a Grocery store owners convention . The Swami was to forecast some grocery store trends  for these merchants . The reason that The Swami’s “competition”, the prevaricating phony Jeanne Dixon did not get this job is that she has never been in a grocery store , as they do not carry Scotch . The Swami advised the attendees that there is no need to carry more than two types of cereal . Corn Flakes and Sugar Pops are enough . No need for the vile Trix , which The Swami would not foist upon a rabbit . Sodas will die out , except for Tab , since Tang is now the universal beverage . No need in the future for a meat section , because meatless Middle Eastern food will be all the rage . Stock up now on cous cous , hummus and baba ghanoush and stand back and watch the sales . Some of these grocers were taking careful notes of The Swami’s predictions . Those will be the lucky ones . ©

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The Swami

September , 1962 . After a long summer working in Las Vegas and Hollywood , The Swami has pointed the Swamimobile toward his home base on the East Coast . The Swami travels under the alias Beauregard Culpepper from Yazoo City , Mississippi , because hotel clerks look at one funny when signing in as ” The Swami ” . It will be good to see The Swami’s family again : wife Cindy Swami , son Little Nostradamus and puppy Rover Patel . The Swami managed to get Cindy some rare autographs for her collection : Olan Soule’ , William Schallert and Charles Lane . The Swami must remember to leave his show business persona behind when at home , and do no name dropping . Bing , Frank and Henny stressed this to The Swami . Working with Lumpy Brannum made The Swami’s summer seem like a thousand summers and he will discourage Little Nostradamus from watching Captain Kangaroo from now on . The Swami sees in the newspapers that his good friend , thieving harridan Jeane Dixon is marrying some infidel from Yonkers . The Swami predicted Miss Dixon would not be marrying anyone from regular parents . ©

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The Swami

August, 1962 . While performing in Las Vegas recently , The Swami was offered three TV pilots by an LA. talent scout . Unfortunately , Marty (the scout ) wanted Lumpy Brannum to test with The Swami on all three . Lumpy was The Swami’s opening act at the Sahara and also a  pain in the turban . The first show is a sitcom featuring The Swami as Bob , a wealthy young husband married to Kathy (played by The Beautiful and Talented Jayne Meadows ) . Instead of kids , they are parents of three chimps . Lumpy to play their wacky butler Mr .Lumpman . The second pilot to be a western , Frontier Swami , about a fortuneteller on a wagon train who is heading west to raise chimps on his own ranch . Lumpy to play his wacky Indian companion Lumpum . The last show has The Swami as astronaut Jet Johnson ,who with his co-pilot Hambone ( Enoch the Chimp ) are a team training for a trip into outer space . Lumpy is to play Captain Lumptan ,wacky mission control engineer . Needless to say ,The Swami is in this strictly for the bread . The Swami sees none of these pilots selling , and Lumpy returning to his kiddie show TV gig . A prediction , The Swami’s  good friend Jeanne Dixon to remain a fraud , a chump and a phony . ©

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The Swami

July 1962 . Ring a ding ding . Hey guys , The Swami is playing at the Sahara in Las Vegas for two weeks . They’ve got The Swami doing a hypnotist act in the lounge . The Swami’s opening act is Lumpy Brannum , who mostly plays the spoons . Lumpy dresses like a real Harvey from Farmville . Will be talking to The Swami’s agent Sid about this because this is not the type of gig The Swami digs . Sid is treating The Swami like a Jeanne Dixon- type monkey act .Luckily ,The Swami’s wife ,Cindy Swami , did not join him on this trip as she is a drag on The Swami’s Clyde . She stayed back at the pad while the Swami is playing Charley ShowBusiness . The Swami is not the type of Melvin who hangs around the pool during the day . The Swami prefers to hit the golf course at the Desert Inn . They have no performer’s discount , so he must pay the full $4.50 fee . But , it’s cool to play where Bob Rosburg  and  Art Wall have played so many exciting matches . After his show , The Swami likes to cut out down to the Sands to catch Peter Lawford , who appears with some other cats . The Swami will predict that Lawford’s talent will be the stuff of showbiz legend for all time . ©

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The Swami

May, 1962 . Well , The Swami is winding up his Traveling Prediction Tour for now . The Swami made some lettuce , but he is really tired of traveling some of these backward small venues . For example , in the town of Greenville , The Swami stopped in a barber shop for a flattop and a turban rewrap . They did the haircut nicely .The Swami likes the Drysdale look  ( Don , not Milburn ) .They did not do a good job on the rewrap . In fact , The Swami thinks they may have used some duct tape . It is also expensive to travel these days . With hotel rooms at $3.50 per night , and gasoline nearing the 25 cents per gallon mark , one must be frugal . The Swami predicts that these prices have reached their limit , and will only come down in the future . The Swamimobile (1961 Corvair ) gets great gas mileage , which is why The Swami likes to roll  this way . If you see the Swamimobile , notice the bumpersticker “Enoch the Chimp Can Outpredict Jeanne Dixon “as The Swami hightails it for home .A prophecy for The Swami ‘ s public : One day each state in the country will be governed by futuristic robots . This will start in California . ©

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The Swami

April , 1962 . Greetings . The Swami is on the road this week , hitting the trail in the Swamimobile for a bit of traveling prediction bread . The Swami is enjoying his new Corvair , which he says will be the new Edsel , and will win Car of the Year for many years . It really can take those corners . The Swami is listening to the first Mets game on the radio . They have a great team and The Swami predicts a year for the record books . Veteran manager Casey Stengel will take the Mets all the way .  Would the slippery charlatan Jeanne Dixon stick her clueless neck out and predict such specific things ? Not a chance , Vance . The Swami ‘s first stop on the tour is the town of Greenville . He will be telling fortunes at Zeldene ‘s Diner , third booth on the left . As part of the fee , each patron must purchase a dinner . The Swami understands this is Possum Casserole night , so in case they actually serve roadkill , good luck to all . The Swami will eat later . ©

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The Swami

November , 1969 . Greetings . The Swami has been getting questions from the public about his past . The Swami just wants to say that his fans must not get all up in The Swami’s grill . He will say that , while working his way through Swami school , The Swami had a job working construction for the Johnstown Company , until the day his turban got caught in a cement mixer . The Swami did not see that coming . So , The Swami does not care to discuss the past , only the future . And no questions about the Oscars , please . Does The Swami look like the lowly Jeanne Dixon ? Or even worse , Kreskin ?  The Swami will not go to the movies until his favorite , Sabu , makes another film . One prediction : After serving 2 terms as Vice President , Spiro Agnew will go on to be our greatest president , surprising even the news nabobs . ©

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The Swami

November , 1959 : Greetings , my friends . The Swami is, like , here , as his Beatnik friends would say . The Swami is not saying that he knows all … but The Swami is not not saying it either . Soon ,we will be in the 1960’s , destined to be a time of peace and tranquility . Some predictions : Folk music will rule the airwaves , and no other can replace it . Hat blocking will continue as a prime occupation , as all men love their fedoras . Young actors Jerry Mathers ,Troy Donahue and Edd Byrnes will win their first Oscars before the decade is out . Cuba will remain a top vacation destination . Jack Paar will keep his Tonight Show #1 in it’s slot .Stucco houses will continue to be popular , but not with the stuckee .  Jeanne Dixon will be exposed for the hack she is . Dixon’s habit of referring to herself in the third person is something The Swami finds off-putting . This Mcdonald’s fast food thing will die out , since people prefer to dine at a leisurely pace . Monkeys will be in most households, and dogs and cats will return to the wilds . ©

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