Apostrophe Jones

I am a lineman for the county , and I drive the main road .

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The Society Page of Greenville

OO-ee . Last night was one for the books here in Greenville town . As usual , we had The Great Possum Drop with the same huge crowd we normally get . It wasn’t a lot of folks , but they was chunky types . There was no connection with it being New Year’s Eve , we just like to drop critters on Friday nights here in Green County . We had a celebrity come in for the drop this week . You remember the guy who played Eb on Green Acres ? Well , it was his double for the second season , or so he says . Name of Pete . Pete Wilkins .  Anyway , we took his pitcher and when it comes back from the drugstore , it’s going right up on the wall at Zeldene’s next to Andy Devine ‘s cousin Larry . Yes , we have a wall of fame at the diner . By the way , if anybody readin’ this is feelin a might peckish , stop on by down to the diner . We are always open , except when we ain’t . Try the new Spicy Honey Possum Stew , served on a bed of Spam and Rice Krispies . I made a lot of it and it’s gettin’ kind of ripe . So help me out and take a chance . ©

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The Society Page of Greenville

OO-ee .  Summertime and the livin’ is easy in Greenville town . … Before long , the urchins of our town will be a-headin’ back to the schoolhouse . They’ll be attemptin’ to learn the three C s again this year : cipherin , chalkboard erasin’ , and chicken management . Schoolmarm Agathene Beaudreaux has requested we remind the younguns to bring the usual school supplies : a couple of inkpen writin’  sticks , a chunk of writin’ paper , and a chaw for Agathene . …The Grocery Mart has asked me to remind you that the sale on Ace Possum Helper is still going on and they want you to stock up , since they have a crapload of it . …Pops the fireman wanted to mention that he’ll be on vacation all next week and the Greenville County firehouse will be locked , but the keys to the door and the firetruck will be under the mat , in case any of ” you consarned hicks can’t be careful with your grills for one lousy week ” .  Stop by the diner this Thursday as celebrity chef Giada something will be filming an episode of her TV show where we  will prepare an Italian – style possum loaf . mm – mm . ©

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The Society Page of Greenville

OO-ee . Great day in the morning , Greenville style . The Greenville Road Race done commenced this morning as Mayor Green lit the official starting line cherry bomb and the runners lit out . All the participants were decked out in their running overalls , except for mayoral candidate Snort Scoggins , who has him a fancy leisure suit ( that he thinks is a track suit ) that he bought in 1977 on a trip to Gaffney . The runners were grouped as usual , those uppity folks with shoes in the back , and the rest running in front . Luke Bevans , Jr . won the race , since he rode his bike most of the way . Again this year , the finish line was at my diner , Zeldene’s , where we treated the competitors to Possum Power Bars and a can of energy drink , Red Possum . Luke , Jr. was presented with a $25.00 savings bond and his name written inside the diner on the Chalkboard of Honor , next to the Fourth of July holiday specials . ©

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The Society Page of Greenville

OO-ee . Big doings in Greenville this week . Mayor Green has promised to start cleaning up Possumtown , the “bad” side of Greenville . I’m not saying it’s a rough part of town , but the Possumtown Dairy Queen has a bouncer. When the ” bad folks all get together at night ” , they do it in Possumtown . A walk at night in Possumtown becomes a run for your life . Git-r done , Mayor G. …The Greenville sister city of Ludowici , Ga. may be starting to outdo us . We both have one stoplight , but theirs works . …Muleen Meadows has done up and got hitched to Buford Hicks from Santee . We knew Muleen would never marry anyone from regular parents . Muleen and Bufe plan to set up trailerkeeping in Possumtown , where Buford works as a local punk . …For picnic season , we have a new featured item down at the diner : Zeldene’s 8 Piece Possum Bucket , Original or Extra Crispy .©                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             P.S. An announcement just in from The Grocery Mart : Acme Possum Chunks ,12 oz. , being recalled due to possible botulism . So , if you do not wish to be botulized , please throw away immediately , or bring down to Zeldene ‘s Diner , where I will pay 25 cents per can . On an unrelated note , please stop in next week and try our new menu item : Zeldene ‘s Chunky Possum Chili .

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The Society Page of Greenville

OO-ee . This is a week for the Greenville record books , if we had any . Snort Scoggins has decided to toss his Caterpillar hat into the ring and challenge Mayor Green this fall for his mayoralty . Snort says Green has no policy on people who are cruel to dogs , which Snort will not allow . Snort points out that Green does not let folks  double park their trucks on Main Street , which Snort is cool with . Snort remembers Green smoking Camels in high school , and he points out that camels are found in the Mid-East , home of Al-Qaeda . So , to sum up , Snort says Mayor Green is a pickup truck hating , puppy kicking terrorist who should not be mayoring . We know Mayor Green as a fine carnival geek in his last career , but Snort brought up Green’s little known first job in Spartanburg as a crooked possum futures trader . Snort vows to rid Greenville of Mayor Green and his slimy henchmen . In case Snort does not win , no offense , Your Mayorship . … Herbie and Crinkly Jane Arbutus have lent their Pez dispenser collection (1962-1966 only ) to the High Museum of Greenville for one week only , starting Thursday .Voluntary donation required . ©

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The Society Page of Greenville

OO-ee . A large week coming our way in Greenville town . It’s graduation time for Greenville High once again . Eucalyptus Flinch of the Possum Ruin Road Flinches (the paved section) ,has been named Possumatorian for the class of 2010 . No surprise , since Euc was 2nd lieutenant of the football team , the Greenville Fighting Possums , the piano player in the marching band , and president of the FCWOA (Future Carnival Workers of America ) . The school has announced that the commencing speaker will be Junior Samples’ nephew Lem . Lem never met Junior , but will be bringing a pair of Junior’s  overalls and some of his best stories . …After the ceremony is done , please come by the diner and do some eatin’ .  Try a Possumuccino , one our new tasty beverages  . But don’t all come at once , cause we ain’t got enough plates …. Some of the kids plan to celebrate the day by traveling to Spartanburg to visit the spot where TV star Sky King once handed out pictures of himself .Hey kids , while in Spartanburg , stop at the Kwik Possum on Monkeyblossom Trail and pick up some medicinal white clay and a pack of possum jerky . …In other news …  don’t have any . ©

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The Society Page of Greenville

OO-ee . Big happenings in Greenville high society this week . Pepino Martinez is the big winner in  the Greenville Tourism promotion . He came up with the slogan to promote our town :” Greenville – 2 Tattoo Parlors , 1 Stoplight “. We’re going to have this printed up on bumperstickers . When they come in , please plaster one on your truck ( no tractors , please , too hick-y ) . The board liked it because it shows us as a cosmopolitan city (2 tattoo parlors ) with a small town charm ( 1 stoplight ) . Pepino wins 4 dinners at Zeldene’s . Second place winner , Elmer Krudd , wins 8 dinners …. Barlene Weems will be reading to the kids Saturday at city hall from her new book ” The Abominable SnowPossum”. Come early to get a good spot on the floor . …Gather up your recipes , folks , it’s time once again for the Crisco Possum Fry – Off next week . This is an unofficial event  , so no prizes given out , but lots of possum cred . ©

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The Society Page of Greenville

OO-ee . Well , citizens of Greenville town , it’s happened . There are a couple of new businesses opening up . The national chain Possum-Fil-A is coming to the food court at Possum Square Mall .And , to add to that outrage ,a new Honey Baked Possum store is about to be built out at the Opossum Crossing Center , next to Lem’s Aluminum Foil Rental Shop . Both of these new stores are being advertised on National Public Radio ‘s program the Possum Hour .We have been targeted by Big Possum because of the sucess of my diner  , Zeldene’s , and our possum centered menu . But , don’t be fooled by these slick new establishments . They both will be serving frozen , out of state critters . Zeldene’s has only local , and therefore fresh possum . So , I don’t want to tell you what to do , just what not to do . And that being , don’t go there . Please send me your pledge of not eating at those places to : Zeldene’s@possumpower.com . ©

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The Society Page of Greenville

OO-ee . Big doin’s in Greenville society this week . Aggie Gertene Marshall , our English teacher at Greenville High has written a book . She will be signing copies of ” Them Younguns Has Got to Speak the English Gooder ” in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot till she runs out . …Calamity June , former spokeschicken at Turner’s , is now taking on all comers in tic-tac-toe at the laundromat . She is unbeaten ,but then , says Vice -Mayor Skeeter Hanes , she gets to go first . … We’re on a health kick down at Zeldene’s diner this month . We’re featuring our Mustard Green Salad with Fresh Possum Bits  and Free Range Armadillo Loaf with sauteed fresh mushrooms (we think they’re mushrooms ). ©

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The Society Page of Greenville

OO-ee . Actually, it should be double OO-ee for the upcoming week in Greenville town . We have South Carolina’s own Daffodil Neptune ,also known as the Possum Whisperer , coming to speak to the Junior League on Tuesday . She is traveling on behalf of the state to raise possum awareness .  Daffy will remind us all to always carry a sack in case one comes upon some tasty items in the road . When filled , tote that  sack to my diner , Zeldene ‘s , where we pay up to 39 cents per pound . …Taffy Bathsheba Wilson reports that her dog Carmela has run away again . Carmela has been known to run with her friends Rover Krebs and Listereen , the Krebs’ cat . Keep a lookout . …I see Petunia ‘s Shoe Emporium is running their “Buy One , Get One Free ” (one left , one right ) shoe sale again . … Willard and Denteen McCoy are off on another whirlwind trip , down to the Welcome Center at the state line to pick up a free map . Have fun , guys .©

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