Apostrophe Jones

I am a lineman for the county , and I drive the main road .

Archive for the 'The News By Edward' Category

Cavalcade of News-Big Eddie Style

 

 

The Rules:

A few suggestions for the Donahue associates for the new year. ( By suggestions, I mean: do this.)

1)  Be polite to everyone, especially coppers.

2) No more picking pockets in the city. This means you, Slats.

3) When pulling a job, don’t call each other by name. When Blackie gets out in ’14, remind him.

4) Be cool at all times. Just be like Big Eddie.

5) Never eat Chinese food at a mall food court. It’s horrible.

6) Don’t let no dames trip you up. There’s plenty of ’em.

7) No need to let them Washington dinks get your Irish up. They’re grifters like us, just on a bigger scale.

8) Don’t nobody drive my ’46 Packard. I don’t like it and it’s starting to lose that new car smell.

9) If (when) you get nabbed, have your alibis ready. For example, “It was my evil twin, officer.” or ” I got hit on the cabeza and got Magnesia, so I don’t recall nothin’ (like Hillary Clinton)” or ” I had a bad childhood. My Maw used to hit me with a bat.”

10) Don’t leave no fingerprints. ©

 

 

 

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Cavalcade of News – Big Eddie Style

The arrogant , incompetent King Barack Obama is much reviled by Republicans , many Democrats , and much of the world . He can solve his competency problem and the answer is right under his nose . Well , his chin , since he usually aims his noggin back and looks down at his “enemies” .

The solution is to replace the ridiculous Biden with Rep. John Dingell . He has been a Congressman since December,1955 . He took over the district in Michigan from his father , who had held the office since 1933 .   78 years of Dingell rule has made this Detroit district the boomtown that it is today ! Dingell has spent almost his entire life making laws for the commoners , and he has to be a supreme master of the process .

This man can restore the aura of competency to Obama’s Campaign Headquarters ( formerly the White House). Longtime lawmakers like Charlie Rangel and John Conyers should replace the corrupt Eric Holder and Steven Chu . ©

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Cavalcade of News – Big Eddie Style

All right , you mugs . Big Ed cleared up his little problem with the authorities , on account of  they can’t find no witnesses who will chirp , so he ‘s back here to bring you palookas the lowdown , see ? Remember , for breaking news , always go first to Big Eddie ‘ s column here on the Interdata Univac thing .  Noticed that O.J. Simpson ‘ s lawyer F. Lee Bailey says he has proof that the football player / actor / murderer is innocent . Who did not know that was a frame ? Big Ed suspicioned that from the get – go . There was way too much evidence . 300 pieces ? Them squints overbuilt that box they put him in . Ed has done plenty of time on a lot less . They was clearly workin ‘ on their book contracts while lettin ‘ the actual perps skedaddle . It was nothin ‘ but a Sham . Wow ! ( Are you followin ‘ Big Eddie , camera guy ? ) . So ,”  blow up your TV , throw away your paper . ” Get the complete punchcard from Cavalcade of News and it’ll all be jake . Nyah . ©

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Cavalcade of News – Big Eddie Style

All right , you mugs . Big Eddie has been laying low lately due to a misunderstanding with the Feds . Hiding out in stickville ain’t no picnic . Only joint nearby is a dump called Zeldene’s and it’s disgusting . This dame must have the worst chow in Greenville S.C.   What is this possum stuff  , anyway , some kind of local delicacy ? The hideout is 2.1 miles away , straight down Miller Rd. , turn right on Lake Green Court , third cabin on the left . The gang stays inside with the curtains closed , with Blackie or Slade keeping a lookout . For eats , Slats has been bringing in these frozen TV dinners . The other day , one of the boys got the idea to heat them up , and they are more eatable that way . Don’t nobody think of squealing to the coppers as to the location of where Big Ed is at , or this may get you some unwanted lead in your diet , see ? Nyah . ©

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Cavalcade of News – Big Eddie Style

All right , you mugs . In the news today , Ed noticed the date : 7/11 . This gives Big Ed an idea . Why not shoot some craps today ? The only place to go is Atlantic City , since Mayor for Life Billy Barty has put the kibosh on all the fun in this burg . Eddie can’t even enjoy a Panetela Cubano in his own speak . Eddie’s getting upset . Anyway , going to head to Jersey with Blackie and Slade tonight . Eddie’s associate , Nathan D. , has a crapgame in A.C. behind the 7-11 at Marvin Gardens and Ventnor Avenue . Good old reliable Nathan was the guy who pulled the famous Tic Tac hijack seven years ago . He tried to unload this stuff one pack at a time . Since the street value of Tic Tacs is kind of low , this was not a profitable deal , hence his switch to the unregulated gaming business . Nathan will still try to pay you in Tic Tacs .Anyway , best to have a crew with you at this game , since it can get rough . In fact , only a few walk out of a Nathan D. event with some lettuce and without  lead poisoning . Those are the lucky ones , see ? Nyah . ©

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The News by Edward

All right , you mugs . Ed was reading the papers and sees this big Army guy was fired today . This reminds Big Ed of the time he had to let his right hand  man , Lefty , go . Well … let go…taken for a ride …same deal . Lefty got to where he was not interested in pulling jobs , collecting vig , keeping the boys in line , etc . He wanted to spend time watching daytime TV and keeping up with his “stories “. Now , Big Ed likes Day of Our Lives too , and hopes Doug and Julie will get back together when Julie returns from Paris , where she is rethinking her commitment , concerned that Doug is making a chump out of her , and Bill will get out of prison in time to stop his evil twin Will from destroying his relationship with Erica , who cannot stand to exist in a world she never made , a world gone mad in a town like Midvale , where the people are so judgemental and unaccepting of a family  from New England , just because some of them are vampires . Anyway , Lefty had lost track of the Big Ed Gang mission statement , which is to “Rake in Plenty of Dough “. Big Eddie’s got a new signoff : That’s the way it’s gonna be , see ?  Nyah .©

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The News by Edward

All right , you mugs . Big Eddie caught something on the news about foreign jamochs coming across our borders . Well , it just happens Ed knows how to handle these maple syrup sponges from burgs like Toronto horning in on our action . Their “bacon ” looks like baloney and Big Ed don’t take no baloney , see ? Captain Kirk , Paw Cartwright and the game show guy , Alex Mustache , can put on their snowshoes and hike back to the woods up there . Eddie told Blackie and Slade to put the word out to all the earflap hat wearing , hockey puck chasing ,  Moosehead drinking flapjack eaters to hightail it or they ‘ll be looking at Niagara Falls from the bottom up . Don’t make Big Eddie come up there .Say , Niagara Falls is near Buffalo . Ed used to know a dame from Buffalo . Why can’t Big Eddie meet a tomato from regular parents ?  Nyah . ©

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The News by Edward

All right , you mugs . Big Ed was watching  television with his puppy ,Little Big Ed , and saw they’re looking for a new judge on this big court . Well , Ed could handle that job since he’s been in front of plenty of them , see ? Eddie could settle some scores with his rival gang…,uh , businessmen . Ed would listen to reason on some cases if the crooks were willing to give up a taste of their action . Eddie needs just enough to wet his beak . Big Ed would only be interested if he were the Head Honcho ,  Number One , the Big Tuna . He would take that big hammer and set some of these crumbs straight . Of course , Eddie would have to let his parole officer know he was taking a job in Washington . Say , who’s running the rackets in that town ? Wonder if they got any good speaks there ? Who’s got the numbers in that burg ? Ed’s got some thinkin’ to do . And how . Hmm, Judge Big Eddie . … Wait a minute . That town is full of politicians . They got enough crooks there . Forget it . Nyah . ©

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The News by Edward

All right , you mugs . While waiting for sundown , so Ed’s gang can get started on whatever job planned that night , Eddie sometimes watches the tv machine . Ed’s been watching this show about an advertising guy who’s married to a witch . Well ,who hasn’t been ? The gags in this thing are usually about some other dame throwing herself at the ad guy and the wife gets steamed . This seems far-fetched to Big Ed . The husband don’t even wear a flower in his lapel or a pocket handkerchief . He ain’t even got a hat . No cigar , no pinky ring . Probably not packing heat , because the mother-in law is still around . This is a no-class guy that no molls are chasing , see? Ed needs his entertainment to be logical , like that  show with the two cops out in the Bronx , Toody and Muldoon . Now ,that’s realistic . That’s the news for now . Nyah . ©

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The News by Edward

All right , you mugs . Been looking at the papers and don’t see any news that amounts to beans , so Ed is going to answer one of his fan letters . This one from a  Buzzer T. in Brooklyn Heights asks” What is a typical day like for you , Mr. R. ?” Hold it , Buzzer . Are you writing a book ? Are you a Fed ? Big Ed will answer some of this . First , Eddie wakes up about three ,has a couple belts of Scotch and his first cigar . Might go up to Sing Sing and see Maw on visiting day. Most days ,Blackie and Slade and the boys come over and Big Eddie tells them the way it’s going to be .  After dark , we head out to one of Ed’s joints . Ed might take some dizzy dame along and put on the Ritz a little bit . Any other stuff is business related and you ain’t going to get it , see ? So buzz off . Nyah . ©

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