Apostrophe Jones

I am a lineman for the county , and I drive the main road .

Archive for the 'Larry’s Corner' Category

Larry ‘s Corner

Lawrence King in the house . Literally . I’m at home now since I ” retired ” and some English poofter that I never heard of took my job . Well , that won’t stop me . … Say , did you ever hear of anybody cutting somebody’s brakeline in real life ? … Do you know anyone who can do that , say down at CNN , to a Jaguar with the license plate ” PIERS 1 ” ? Let me know . … Here’s the UPS guy at the door . Hey , guy . What’s it like to drive a truck with the door open ? … Ever fall out ?…How long do you get for lunch ? … Do you ever stop for Chinese and a cream soda , or does that take too long ? … You ever get hijacked ? … Are there any stops you hate to make ? …Oh , there are now ?…Gotta go , huh ? … Well , that was a good guest . Time for a commercial . … My cousin , Morty Zeiger ‘s music cart , down on 53rd and Broadway , has the answer for all your vuvuzela needs . He had to move from 54th when the Jehovah’s Witness guys complained that Morty was too annoying . I wonder if there’s any of last week’s latkes in the Frigidaire ? Where’s my assistant ? ©

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Larry’s Corner

Larry here . With the news of my upcoming ” retirement “, I want to let my  ” fans ” know about my upcoming ” plans “. …Do you know what’s great on a Ritz cracker ? … Well , do you ?… How come nobody names their kid Morty or Augie or Shadrach anymore ?… I plan to release a videotape of ” highlights ” of my many hardhitting interviews from the last 25 years . .. Remember 25 years ago , when the Coca Cola Company tried to change the formula ? … The bastards . … I remember when I asked actress Shelley Long ” So , why are you still on that TV show Cheers ? You’re a movie star .”… I asked football player O.J. Simpson ”  So , do you think you’ll get your souvenirs back from that collector ? They’re yours , you know . ” … I asked Richard Simmons , ” Do you think you’ll ever meet Miss Right ? “… Only a few  “celebrities ” were able to stand up under my withering questions . …Those were the lucky ones . ©

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Larry’s Corner

‘Ol Lar here with some breaking news . Well folks , I announced today that I’m hanging up the ‘ol suspenders at the end of the year . Thinking back on all the fantastic interviews on the Larry King Show , I realize that all the greats have been on the show :  Hollywood star Kato Kaelin , champion skater Tonya Harding , female impersonator Kathy Griffin ,legit  businessman Joey Buttafuoco , normal guy Phil Spector , theologian Jimmy Swaggart , my co-workers :restauranteur  Zeldene Gilroy ,  government employee Arnold Schwarzenegger and swami The Swami . You cannot top that lineup . There were some guests that got away : Alger Hiss , Enrico Caruso , Lily Langtry , General George Custer , Abe Lincoln’s secretary Tiffany and King Tut (Tut’s guys and my people just could not work out the schedule ). After the show ends , I’ll be traveling with my new girlfriend …Morgan Fairchild …for a while as I sift through the many offers that will be coming my way . Animal Planet has already called , but I really don’t want to do a show with a cat for a sidekick . ©

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Larry’s Corner

Have you seen these new computer machines ? People have their own Univac , right in their house . … I had seen them before , but thought it was a fad , like CB radios , mood rings and female doctors . …Who doesn’t love a bag of Spanish peanuts from Woolworth’s , nice and warm ? …Watched some of the soccer match from Africa . They were blowing these buzzy sounding horns all through the game ….Got an idea . What if we got some of these horns the next time the Red Sox come to town  ? What if we blow them whenever Ted Williams comes to the plate ?…The Splinter would love that ….Go down to Morty Zeiger’s Vuvuzela Cart on 54th at Broadway , pick one up and say “Hi” to my cousin Mort ….I remember when Mort got married to his wife Gert , who’s from Hoboken . I knew Mort would never meet a girl from regular parents . …Tomorrow night ,for the full hour , two of my classmates from Brooklyn High : Joan Rivers’ grandmother Pearl and former first lady Mrs . Grover Cleveland . ©                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

  

  

 

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Larry’s Corner

Lawrence here today with breaking news . …I heard somebody spilled some oil somewhere . Well , when I was a kid and the Duesenberg leaked some oil in the garage , Pop King would just get some sawdust and sprinkle it on the floor … so I say Think Sawdust . … or maybe a ShamWow . …Wait , we had a Model T … the Duesenbergs lived next door . …Their kid  Charlotte was a real flapper . … Remember the TV show Flipper ? … Why did one kid have a southern accent and his brother sound like he was from the Bronx ? … speaking of the Bronx Bombers , who’s going to win the Mantle / Maris homerun race this year ? …I pick the Mick . …Speaking of micks , when is St. Patrick’s Day this year ? …Need to get out my green suspenders . …I put a yard on Suspended Animation across the board at Saratoga last Saturday . Not only did he not win , I think he stopped and ran the opposite direction . …Tomorrow night , for the full hour ,  Margaret Thatcher and Rip Taylor . ©

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Larry’s Corner

Lawrence here today , with some breaking news . Some guy tried to set off a bomb in Times Square Saturday night . …Not the biggest bomb I’ve ever seen here , though … that would be Brother Theodore and Phyllis Diller in a revival of Camelot . … Baseball season again …got to get out to the Polo Grounds and catch a game . … Anybody got the new Jerry Vale record yet ?… Getting a little hungry , gonna run down to the corner and pick up a Moxie and a knish . … Might head down to Atlantic City this Friday … hear Houdini ‘s been killing them with his new act . His opening guy is the legendary Kenny Banya . …If Shelley Long married Shelley Berman , would there be two Shelley Bermans ? …Actually , one is plenty . … When you hear numbers in a song , do you ever add them up ? … “18 wheels and a dozen roses ,10 more miles on his 4 day run “… 44 right ?… Speaking of # 44 , nobody is going to break Hammerin’  Hank ‘s homerun  record . …Say , an Oh Henry ! bar would taste good about now . … Where’s my coin purse ?… Seriously , nobody has the new Jerry Vale album yet ?…Tomorrow night , for the full hour … Nelson Mandela and Gilbert Gottfried . ©

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Larry’s Corner

Well , looks like it’s time to get out the old black book again . …Who’s the next lucky young lady ?…Angie Dickinson ?…Joan Collins ?… Paris Hilton ?…I think I once stayed at the Paris Hilton ….Was I already married to any of them ?…Where does a guy take one of these young chicks on a date these days ? Toots Shor’s for a couple of belts?(my dates always seemed to need a lot of these )…for a pastrami sandwich and a cream soda at the Carnegie Deli ?(tell Sal you want that pastrami on rye or he’ll think you’re a goyim )…the Ricky Ricardo show at the Club Babbaloo ?…Actually , maybe I should get some spiffy new suspenders (I like Nate’s Haberdashery on 4th.) and take her to a Broadway show …maybe see Gordon McRae in Oklahoma …the Marx Brothers in Animal Crackers …or Edwin Booth as Hamlet ?…Maybe I’ll take her to the studio with me to see a show business legend at work ….Wait ! I know . I’ll ask Joy Behar or Anderson Cooper in the CNN lockerroom where to take a girl on a date .©

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Larry’s Corner

L.K. here , folks . The Masters Golf Classic starts this week . They’re playing in Georgia this year , I think . …I’ve been getting some golf questions ready , in case I get to interview a golfist this week . … For example : How many mulligans does each guy get ? …Is a foot wedge legal ?…They talk about a dogleg left on a golf hole , any catleg holes ?… How come none of you guys wear suspenders ?Do you ever go for the stymie ?…How come Dow Finsterwald never wins anymore ?…Do you tee off with a brassie or a mashie -niblick? Anybody bring a transistor radio to stay awake ? …If you hit a ball in the water , can you make your caddy go get it ?…How much is a Coke at the snack tents ? Do they let John Daly run a tab ?…Can you bring your own food on the course , like  sweet and sour chicken and a Mr. Pibb ?…If you bring your kids , can they play in the sand traps while you putt ?… If you win , can you ask for a blue jacket instead ?  ©

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Larry’s Corner

‘Ol Lar here  . …I see they’re making a movie about piano guy  Liberace ‘s life . Do his kids have to approve the script ?…When are Steve and Eydie going to put out a new record ? Overdue , guys . …Seen these commercials where an old person falls down and can’t move ? They press a button on a thing around their neck (I’ve got 3 of them) to call for help . How do they get in ? Kick the door in ?…Wasn’t there a group called the Doors ?…That Nancy Sinatra ,you know , with the boots .What a talent . I interviewed her once . Asked her”Got any family members in show business ? “Forgot her answer . …What , do they come in through a window ?…You ever have hummus ? Me neither . I’m on a hummus free diet . …Why not carry a cell phone ? If you fall down , just call Larry ,Jr. …You know how when a storm is coming , they show people out buying plywood ? Why don’t they reuse the plywood from the last storm ? I may be starting to ramble here . …I had a Nash Rambler …a ’52 … ©

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Larry’s Corner

Just want to say a few words about sports …. U.S.A. Women’s Curling Team members Debbie , Allison , Nicole , Natalie and Tracy may or may not turn pro , but I’m sure they will always keep their kitchens tidy….That Dizzy Dean sure can call a game .  …I keep getting messages from my old friend Frank Gifford , but sorry , Frank , I really don’t know how a person would fake his own death . … NASCAR  is now 4 races in , with the winners : old # 1 car , old # 48 car ,old # 48 car , and old # 2 car . That ‘s a total of 99 , for those of us keeping score ….I want to apologize to my fans at the Johnstown Company down in Greenville. I meant to have the Tractor Pull scores for them this week . …Golfist Tiger Woods plans to return to the action next month . … And also play some golf . ©

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