Apostrophe Jones

I am a lineman for the county , and I drive the main road .

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Arnold

Good evenings . Well , my time as Burgermeister of California is almost done . Tomorrow Ich turn over the keys to some old hippie who got the job . Ich leave the state in perfect condition for the peoples and do not want this beatniks to screw it up . Perhaps Ich booby trap the office to give the new guy a funny joke for his first day . Ich must plan for the future . It will be good to be home , and have the times to walk my frau Maria and throw the kugel for her to chase . Ich may return to the actings and do some films or a series on the fernsehen . Maybe Ich do a talk show like the Larry Suspender guy . Ich could ask the guest the questions and if Ich do not believe the answer , well , my freunde Lou Ferrigno and Ich have ways of making them spill their guts . Anyway , back home in Graz , we have a saying : if one door closes , you find a way out , and fast . ©

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Arnold

Hallo es . Typical Sunday evening at the Schwarzennegger haus . Ich am watching the Jimmy Buffetts on the fernsehen with my wife Maria , who is curled up on her rug on the floor , as usual . Ich still enjoy the way Maria circles the rug three times before she lies down .  My freunde and advisor Lou Ferrigno is at the desk , trying to look up things on the Wilkipedia on the computer . The kinder are helping him with the alphabet letters , which they recently learned in the school haus . Using the computer is difficult for Lou , and it sometimes makes him angry . You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry . A “Hulk” joke never gets old . Maria’s ohren just perked up , and she ran to the fenster . Must be a nachbar walking by . She is a gut watchwife . Ich must reward her with a biscuit .  Just a few people get to marry a gut frau like this . They are the lucky ones . ©

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Arnold

Hallo pilger . Ich was watching the golfings on the fernsehen with my freunde Lou yesterday . The match was at the Pebbles Beach Golfing Fields in Carmel . Lou and Ich used to shoot the golfs there until Ich was banned for using my HumVee for a golf cart . Picky,picky, picky . The tournament was most spannend , and took my mind off the troubles of the zustand of California . We must find a way to bring in more deutschmarks since no one will cut the spendings . Maria has suggested an aura tax for the Hollywood peoples . This would unleash a wave of negative energy that even Brian Wilson could not ride . Ich told her she is barking up the wrong tree .This would be a real thorn in her paw .  Maria is really chasing her tail on this one . Lou has suggested the plantings of flowers along the roadways . We would harvest these and sell them in San Francisco . Ach du lieber ! Volare ! Klaatu barada nikto ! He has the antworten . This is why Lou is my most valuable advisor . ©

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Arnold

Gut Vormittags . People have gefnagt mir ” Governor , do you plan to resume your fantastisch karriere as the greatest film stern in the welt after your term is kaput ? ” Okay , it was Maria who has gefnagt mir dieser . Ich have been diskutieren this with my agent Sid and my freund and advisor,  Lou Ferrigno . Ich know that other fine akteure such as the Vin Diesels , the Rocks and the Jessica Simpsons have been taking the roles that Ich would normally be offered . Sid has been telling mir to become a fernsehen actor and do a remake of  The Real McCoys , with mir in the Walter Brennan part , or perhaps a western show , with mir as the sidekick to the young hero , a Wilford Brimley type . Sid needs to stay off the cold medizin . Lou did not really have any advice for mir . He is all wrapped up with his new girlfriend from Encinitas . Ich told Maria ” Why cannot Lou meet a girl from regular parents ? ” ©                                                                                                                                                                                                                                P.S.(Public Service Announcement ) To the peoples of California : As you may know , we are having a problem with strays in our zustand . As the Ruler of California , Ich will set the example and take Maria in to have a computer chip implanted in her neck , so if she wanders off , or is lost , she will be returned . Hasta la Vista .

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Arnold

Guten Abend . Some peoples have asked me why Ich am so unhoflich to my wife . Ich will calmly antwort this missverstandnis . Bug off ! Maria’s life is wunderbar !  She is allowed to eat meals with the kinder and Ich when she has completed the servings of the food . She has a bit of an haltung about her food ,though . When one of us gets near her platte while she is eating , she will encircle the plate with her arms and growl . At the table , Ich try to diskutieren with her the intricate governings of the state of California , but she just looks quizzical and cocks her head to the side and looks at me . Ich prefer to diskutieren such things at the office or with Lou Ferrigno , my fellow lifter and advisor . After dinner , when Maria has cleared the geschirr and cleaned the kuche , she always expects to be rewarded . She will look at the kabinett in the dining room where Ich keep the cookies and look at me ,and then back at the cabinet until Ich give her a cookie . So , as you can see , Maria is truly living the life of a prinzessin . ©

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Arnold

Gute tage . Ich have been watching  berichte on the fernsehen about the leckagen of the oils in the Gulf of Mexico . Ich just want to say that the USA  should offer helpings of unterstutzung to Mexico in this problem of theirs . Wir are lucky this has not happened in American waters . It looks like this is the most oil in the wasser since the cast of Jersey Shore went swimming at The Situation’s apartment pool . (Danken to Apostrophe Jones for this timely witz .) Gut , after this year , Ich will no mehr be Ruler of California . Ich have been getting the notes from my show business freunde with the consolings of sympathy for the problems of this Zustand . Gut , Ich do not want your pity , Mr. T , Ich don’t care that  Ich ” never had a dinner ” , Mr . Red Button . Ich do not have all the antworten like you do , Mr . Trebeks , you Canadian kriechen . When Ich leave as Gouverneur , Maria and Ich will travel some by automobil . She likes to ride with her kopf out the fenster , feeling the wind on her face . Sometimes it is hard to get her in the automobil , because she thinks Ich may be taking her to get a shot . Ich werde zuruckkehren . ©

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Arnold

Guten Morgen . Some of the peoples have been writing to me with questionings . I antwort a couple of these . Muffy P. from Santa Bertha asks “What TV zeigen do you watch ?” I like the 24 program , Muffy . I nicht know where the titel comes from . It may be the number of peoples this Jack Bauers shoots each season . I do like the carakter Chloe , who knows to obey the commands of Bauers . Buffy T. from Santa Agatha asks “Do you think you were elected to office because Maria is a Kennedy ?” No ! I was elected in spite of this . If I relied on her family name , I wouldn’t have been elected Burgermeister of El Segundo . I have noticed at her family reunions these people seem fraglich , at best . Duffy B. from Santa Klaus asks “What do you and Maria do for fun ?” To keep our marriage fresh , twice a week we go out to a nice restaurant . Some good lebensmittel , a bottle of wein . She goes on Tuesdays . I go on Fridays  . I take Maria everywhere , but she keeps finding her way back . See , I make the frau jokes . Actually , Maria enjoys going to the park . I throw the tennis ball and she likes to chase it . She wants to start catching Frisbees soon . Bis nachher . ©

  

 

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Arnold

 Good afternoons . My friend Lou Ferrigno and I were watching the golf contest on the  fernsehen Sunday . I was glad to see this Phil Mickelsons claim the trophy . My friend The Swami predicted a guy between 25 and 49 would win and he was korrigieren . Lou prefers the car rennsport , but I say to him “Just go to the autobahn and you see the same thing “. I enjoy the lawns in Georgia where they play . It reminds me of the hills of Graz , just with a few less old goats . Lou and I have played on the golf fields around here , but it is hard on Maria . It hurts her back when she has to carry Lou’s bag of golf tools in addition to mine . (Lou carries some dumbbells in his bag to use between golf plays .) Between golfing shots , Lou and I discuss our old days studying acting with Steve Reeves . Maria ist ein sehr gutes caddy because she knows to keep silent when men are talking . We give Maria a break after 9 holes so she can clean the golf equipment while Lou and I go in for mittagessen and some beers. I usually bring her a tasse of water for her refreshment . After the game , we drop Lou at the bus stoppen , and Maria likes to hurry home to get started on her chores . So long  ©

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Arnold

Guten tag . Another week of serving the menschen of California . Speaking of such things , last week my friend Lou watched Maria serving us lunch and said ” Arnie , you have trained her well “. “Nein “, I said , “Maria’s training is not yet complete . Recently , she brought my Krombacher in an unfrosted stein . ” She received two demerits for this . It is serious , as she knows more than five demerits in one week is verboten . Does that not make you just want to say “Ach du lieber ! ” ?Anyway , you must speak sharply to the womans in order for them to learn . Conversely , you reward them when they have a good week with a pat on the kopf or a bit of extra strudel in their bowl . After a good couple of weeks , you might praise their hairdo or bring them some shiny objekte from the jewelry speichen (the Wal-Marts ). Soon it will be Easter . After their morning calisthenics ,the kinder enjoy  receiving their baskets of Power Bars brought by the Easter Kaninchen . Wiedersehn . ©

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Arnold

Good mornings . This week I start with a new joke from my friend Gallagher . What has four legs and chases Herr Katz ? Frau Katz and her rechtsanwalt . You laugh now . People say to me , ” Arnie , what do you do on your days off? ” First , I say , “Call me Governor , dummkopf , or I give you the knuckle butterbrot . I worked for years in the fields of the show business to get the part of Governor . ” I do what most people do on days off . I drive the Hummer to the mailbox and see if my new muscle magazines have come in . My friend Lou Ferrigno comes over and we watch the weightlifting shows or muscle man contests on the fernsehen . We laugh at these new guys , who don’t even know how to oil up properly . I call Maria in to take a break from mowing the rasen so she can prepare some mittagessen for my friend and I . Lou gives me some advice on fiscal policy as Maria serves us some schnitzel and sauerkraut . I tell Maria to have some lunch for herself out in the kitchen . Hasta la vista .©

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