Apostrophe Jones

Lawrence King in the house . Literally . I’m at home now since I ” retired ” and some English poofter that I never heard of took my job . Well , that won’t stop me . … Say , did you ever hear of anybody cutting somebody’s brakeline in real life ? … Do you know anyone who can do that , say down at CNN , to a Jaguar with the license plate ” PIERS 1 ” ? Let me know . … Here’s the UPS guy at the door . Hey , guy . What’s it like to drive a truck with the door open ? … Ever fall out ?…How long do you get for lunch ? … Do you ever stop for Chinese and a cream soda , or does that take too long ? … You ever get hijacked ? … Are there any stops you hate to make ? …Oh , there are now ?…Gotta go , huh ? … Well , that was a good guest . Time for a commercial . … My cousin , Morty Zeiger ‘s music cart , down on 53rd and Broadway , has the answer for all your vuvuzela needs . He had to move from 54th when the Jehovah’s Witness guys complained that Morty was too annoying . I wonder if there’s any of last week’s latkes in the Frigidaire ? Where’s my assistant ? ©

All right , you mugs . Big Ed cleared up his little problem with the authorities , on account of  they can’t find no witnesses who will chirp , so he ‘s back here to bring you palookas the lowdown , see ? Remember , for breaking news , always go first to Big Eddie ‘ s column here on the Interdata Univac thing .  Noticed that O.J. Simpson ‘ s lawyer F. Lee Bailey says he has proof that the football player / actor / murderer is innocent . Who did not know that was a frame ? Big Ed suspicioned that from the get – go . There was way too much evidence . 300 pieces ? Them squints overbuilt that box they put him in . Ed has done plenty of time on a lot less . They was clearly workin ‘ on their book contracts while lettin ‘ the actual perps skedaddle . It was nothin ‘ but a Sham . Wow ! ( Are you followin ‘ Big Eddie , camera guy ? ) . So ,”  blow up your TV , throw away your paper . ” Get the complete punchcard from Cavalcade of News and it’ll all be jake . Nyah . ©

Early January 1963 . Greetings . The Swami has returned to his home base in the Northeast after a busy summer working in Las Vegas and L.A. with the extremely ” talented ” Lumpy Brannum as his sidekick .  And the Swami has asked his little woman Cindy Swami to kick him hard in the side if he ever does that again . As all in the know know , the Swami is in the prediction business and he has a few to start the new year . The Swami ‘ s good friend and nemesis , the phony charlatan Jeanne Dixon also has a few to start the new year . And hopefully this year she will start using a glass .  Anyway , in the music world this year , late in 1963 some new groups of talented musicians from England will burst on the  scene . Most will be arrested for trespassing and returned . But , the Swami knows a few  will make it very big . The number one band starting in December and lasting for many years will be Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas . There is one young star about to appear who will outshine all others with his incredible talent . His name is Richard Starkey and he will eventually pass Elvis and Bing Crosby in record sales and popularity and also become a great movie star . So , now go take on the day . The Swami out . ©

Good evenings . Well , my time as Burgermeister of California is almost done . Tomorrow Ich turn over the keys to some old hippie who got the job . Ich leave the state in perfect condition for the peoples and do not want this beatniks to screw it up . Perhaps Ich booby trap the office to give the new guy a funny joke for his first day . Ich must plan for the future . It will be good to be home , and have the times to walk my frau Maria and throw the kugel for her to chase . Ich may return to the actings and do some films or a series on the fernsehen . Maybe Ich do a talk show like the Larry Suspender guy . Ich could ask the guest the questions and if Ich do not believe the answer , well , my freunde Lou Ferrigno and Ich have ways of making them spill their guts . Anyway , back home in Graz , we have a saying : if one door closes , you find a way out , and fast . ©

OO-ee . Last night was one for the books here in Greenville town . As usual , we had The Great Possum Drop with the same huge crowd we normally get . It wasn’t a lot of folks , but they was chunky types . There was no connection with it being New Year’s Eve , we just like to drop critters on Friday nights here in Green County . We had a celebrity come in for the drop this week . You remember the guy who played Eb on Green Acres ? Well , it was his double for the second season , or so he says . Name of Pete . Pete Wilkins .  Anyway , we took his pitcher and when it comes back from the drugstore , it’s going right up on the wall at Zeldene’s next to Andy Devine ‘s cousin Larry . Yes , we have a wall of fame at the diner . By the way , if anybody readin’ this is feelin a might peckish , stop on by down to the diner . We are always open , except when we ain’t . Try the new Spicy Honey Possum Stew , served on a bed of Spam and Rice Krispies . I made a lot of it and it’s gettin’ kind of ripe . So help me out and take a chance . ©

All right , you mugs . Big Eddie has been laying low lately due to a misunderstanding with the Feds . Hiding out in stickville ain’t no picnic . Only joint nearby is a dump called Zeldene’s and it’s disgusting . This dame must have the worst chow in Greenville S.C.   What is this possum stuff  , anyway , some kind of local delicacy ? The hideout is 2.1 miles away , straight down Miller Rd. , turn right on Lake Green Court , third cabin on the left . The gang stays inside with the curtains closed , with Blackie or Slade keeping a lookout . For eats , Slats has been bringing in these frozen TV dinners . The other day , one of the boys got the idea to heat them up , and they are more eatable that way . Don’t nobody think of squealing to the coppers as to the location of where Big Ed is at , or this may get you some unwanted lead in your diet , see ? Nyah . ©

Late September , 1962 . The Swami is still on his way home from a busy summer out West . The Swami noticed a thump , thump . thump coming from the back right tire on the Swamimobile . It was a blowout . The Swami did not see that coming . The Swami ‘s 1961 Corvair has been excellent transportation for him and a major chick – magnet , although Mrs . Cindy Swami is not that thrilled with that aspect of The Swami ‘ s whip . Anyway , The Swami pulled over to the nearby Esso station to replace the tire . It turn out that ‘Vair sized recaps are now $3.00 each !  The Swami is enraged , upstaged  and can’t even be paged . The Swami predicts that one day , cars will have communication devices where a person in one car can call a good buddy in another car . This way motorists can warn each other when Johnny Law is lurking , you know : the Fuzz , the Man , the Kodiaks with a Kodak . The insipid Jeanne Dixon could never make a prophecy about  avoiding the police in the future . Her only contact with the police is when they  make her quit working her corner or pick her up for starting a rumble at her local dive . ©

OO-ee .  Summertime and the livin’ is easy in Greenville town . … Before long , the urchins of our town will be a-headin’ back to the schoolhouse . They’ll be attemptin’ to learn the three C s again this year : cipherin , chalkboard erasin’ , and chicken management . Schoolmarm Agathene Beaudreaux has requested we remind the younguns to bring the usual school supplies : a couple of inkpen writin’  sticks , a chunk of writin’ paper , and a chaw for Agathene . …The Grocery Mart has asked me to remind you that the sale on Ace Possum Helper is still going on and they want you to stock up , since they have a crapload of it . …Pops the fireman wanted to mention that he’ll be on vacation all next week and the Greenville County firehouse will be locked , but the keys to the door and the firetruck will be under the mat , in case any of ” you consarned hicks can’t be careful with your grills for one lousy week ” .  Stop by the diner this Thursday as celebrity chef Giada something will be filming an episode of her TV show where we  will prepare an Italian – style possum loaf . mm – mm . ©

Larry here . With the news of my upcoming ” retirement “, I want to let my  ” fans ” know about my upcoming ” plans “. …Do you know what’s great on a Ritz cracker ? … Well , do you ?… How come nobody names their kid Morty or Augie or Shadrach anymore ?… I plan to release a videotape of ” highlights ” of my many hardhitting interviews from the last 25 years . .. Remember 25 years ago , when the Coca Cola Company tried to change the formula ? … The bastards . … I remember when I asked actress Shelley Long ” So , why are you still on that TV show Cheers ? You’re a movie star .”… I asked football player O.J. Simpson “  So , do you think you’ll get your souvenirs back from that collector ? They’re yours , you know . ” … I asked Richard Simmons , ” Do you think you’ll ever meet Miss Right ? “… Only a few  “celebrities ” were able to stand up under my withering questions . …Those were the lucky ones . ©